feelings Archives - KATE ATKIN

Is Second Place a Failure?

Posted by: Kate Atkin In: Presentations 0 comments Tags: failure, feelings, imposter, impostor phenomenon, impostor syndrome, presentation, Presentation Skills

Corporate Public Speaking Challenge

As I mentioned in my last post, I discovered the theory of the Imposter Phenomenon while studying for a masters in positive psychology. This led me to realise that my own internal voices, which for years have been telling me that “I wasn’t good enough” or “if I didn’t do things 100% perfect it was a huge failure”, are actually false and quite common.

Now, I knew that intellectually before I came across the psychological term, but learning more about the phenomenon has helped me to understand and work on overcoming the feelings. So when I was offered the chance to compete in this year’s corporate speaking challenge I said yes, before really thinking about the consequences.

The finals were held in Bloomsbury House in London, last week and I gave a well-received 6-minute speech on the given topic of “everything needs to change so everything can stay the same”. And I came second. So does that mean I failed? Well, if I listened to my Imposter talking I not only failed, but I AM a failure. But is that really true? Most people would probably rather visit the dentist than take part in a public speaking competition.

It is true that I failed to get first place, but I also know the judges took ages over their deliberations between first & second place, and I know that I did my best on the night, and I know from feedback that others thought it was a very good, and informative, speech. I also know that justifying the second-place position is another of my imposter traits!

Michael Ronayne, director of the College of Public Speaking said “The Corporate Speaking Challenge brings together a wide range of accomplished speakers from all walks of society in a contest to test the fluency and credibility of the individual speakers. To be the runner up in a very strong field is a great achievement and Kate’s performance, talking about control, connection and purpose was worthy of the prize. She has great poise and a very relaxed and relatable manner. She engages naturally and draws the listener in with ease.”

Then this Friday I was listening to a programme on Radio 4 in the car about the BBC New Comedy Awards. Guess what struck me? A number of now highly successful comedians came second. Did those placed second view themselves as failures and give up, or did they go on to pursue their craft? Some of our best-known and well-loved comedians came second, or weren’t even placed, when they entered the Awards. I’ll take solace from that.

So is second place a failure? No, real failure would have been finding an excuse not to take part at all.

If you find yourself making excuses not to speak in public, or find yourself reluctant to speak up in meetings or wish to brush up on your skills, then join me on 7th December at 6.30pm at St John’s Innovation Centre in Cambridge for a glass of wine, a nibble of cheese and some sharing of presentation tips.

To book, sign up via Eventbrite and make a donation on the night to help raise funds for Arthur Rank Hospice.

Dealing with the Imposter Phenomenon

Posted by: Kate Atkin In: Positive Pyschology 0 comments Tags: confidence, feelings, imposter, impostor phenomenon, impostor syndrome

reveal your imposter for what it is, a mask, not reality

How to banish your impostor or cope with imposter feelings

Having spent the past two years studying for a masters in applied positive psychology, and completing a dissertation on the imposter phenomenon and self-efficacy I should know enough about it by now to write a blog. Yet my own Imposter rears its head when I go to put my fingers to the keyboard…. You probably know the sort of stuff, an internal voice which says “there are so many writing about this already, why you?”, “who’s going to want to hear your take?”, “are you sure you’ve got anything to add?” or “what if you write something that’s incorrect?”, “make sure there aren’t any spelling mistakes or typos” and “do you really know what you are talking about?”

Well do I? I have read a few (ok, several!) books, numerous research articles and interviewed successful entrepreneurs, six men and six women, for my dissertation on the subject. So does that qualify me to write a blog post?

What really qualifies me is my own experience of dealing with what I now know to be an Imposter for many years. Something which pops up every so often, or rather very often! On coming across the term two years ago in the early part of my studies I realised that this is what I had been dealing with.

It wasn’t exactly a lack of confidence, more a crippling

“don’t put yourself out THERE as you’ll be FOUND OUT” feeling…

For those of you who, like me, can relate to the imposter feelings, there is often a huge desire to be successful, to do well and make a difference in the world, which contrasts big time with the internal struggle of what to do if you are successful, if you do make a difference because then you really have to work hard at not failing. To fail, so the imposter tells you, negates the success you have achieved and proves that you weren’t worth it after all.

Right from my early primary school days I have been subjected to ridicule, or “teasing” as it is often innocuously referred to. Harmless to many, for me it became something to avoid. If I didn’t do well, I would be ridiculed. If I didn’t succeed I was a failure. If I didn’t know something I was an idiot. Not in other people’s eyes I might add…but in my own! Others would tell me how well I was doing, how entrepreneurial I am to start a training business on my own (sixteen years ago), and how brave I am (to travel to Outer Mongolia on my own, for instance). Internally those comments only fueled the desire to work hard, to be 100% perfect… so as not to be found out.

Stop Hiding

Last weekend I spoke at the District 71 Toastmaster Conference and I let my Imposter completely out of the bag by pulling off my mask. I spoke about the ridicule, the internal angst, the perfectionism and also ways to overcome the feelings, which I confessed I was still working on. Surprisingly (that’s my Imposter talking, to everyone else it wasn’t a surprise) I wasn’t ridiculed, I wasn’t run out of town for talking nonsense, instead I had people coming up to me to thank me for my honesty and to say how well I had connected with their own experiences.

Then just two days later I attended an event at the O2. A graduation ceremony for my masters in applied positive psychology. Again, I feel amazed that I not only now have a masters, but was awarded it with distinction! Compare that with failing the 11 Plus, an examination all primary school leavers had to take in the UK to determine whether they were clever enough to go to the grammar school. I obviously wasn’t clever as I attended the Spilsby Franklin School, a secondary modern. But just two years ago, at the age of 48, at the same time as learning about the imposter phenomenon, I realised that I probably failed the exam as I took it at the age of 10 because my birthday is in August. How I hadn’t come to that realisation before I don’t know, but there it was staring me in the face. My sisters both passed, I didn’t, yet I’m the only summer-born sibling.

What to do if you have experience imposter feelings

So what can you do to alleviate your imposter feelings? The first step is to recognise them for what they are. Feelings, not necessarily truths. The second step is to start to talk about them. You don’t have to go to the extreme of going on stage at a conference, but talk about them with family members or friends, or a work colleague you know you can trust. Chances are they’ll go “yeah, me too”.

Further ways of banishing the imposter and boosting confidence will be the subject of subsequent blogs. Meanwhile if you’d like me to speak at your conference, or to your staff or organisation, or for one-to-one coaching do get in touch. I’m on a mission to Banish the Imposter, my own included.

Contact me on kate@kateatkin.com or see www.kateatkin.com for more details.

Thank you.

What is Positive Psychology

Posted by: Kate Atkin In: Positive Pyschology 1 comment Tags: Emotions, feelings, flourish, happiness, Optimism, PERMA, Positive Psychology

As some of you will know in September 2013 I embarked on a two-year programme of study, for a masters in positive psychology (MAPP). On doing so I discovered that many people equate the term positive psychology with positive thinking, The Secret or the Law of Attraction. while they all have “positive intent” as a common thread, that is where the similarities end.

To explain a little more about what Positive Psychology is here’s a video:

What is Positive Psychology

A great read. Well-researched and gives us permission to be human.

However, that’s not the whole story. The video focuses on Martin Seligman’s PERMA model (Positive Emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, Accomplishment). I recently came across another way of explaining Positive Psychology, by Tal Ben-Shahar, who has written the book Happier. Tal Ben-Shahar has the wonderful phrase of giving ourselves “permission to be human”. This embodies the concept of positive psychology perfectly to me; it is about experiencing the ups and the downs of life, being real and being realistic (see my earlier post on optimism).

Positive Psychology is not about denying the negatives in life, the events we wish hadn’t happened, or the feelings we wish would go away. It is the scientific study of what enables people to be fully human, to experience more of the ups by choice, taking empirically researched steps to increase their levels of well-being, meaning in life and happiness.

Not just “thinking positively”.

Can Mindfulness make a difference to your bottom line?

Posted by: Kate Atkin In: Positive Pyschology 0 comments Tags: business, feelings, happiness, mindfulness, productivity, profit, profitability, stress

What does Mindfulness have to do with the bottom line profit and the productivity of your staff (or yourself)?

How often do you spend time being in the moment, being conscious of your actions, taking control of your thoughts? Or do you spend time responding to the ping of a new email, switching tasks readily and getting interrupted at work?

Research from Harvard in 2012 found that for the average person (if there is such a thing) the mind wanders 47% of the time. What they also found was that a wandering mind equated with an unhappy person. If you feel unhappy at work how productive are you versus the times when you feel happy? Stands to reason doesn’t it, happier people = more productive people. There’s a great TED talk by Matt Killingsworth on this topic, showing just how important it is to stay in the moment, something which practicing Mindfulness can help with.

What has also come to light is that practicing mindfulness can help reduce stress, increase happiness and boost productivity. Here’s a link to a fuller article on the subject by www.mindful.org

Don’t just enjoy reading it, give it a go, you’ll be amazed at the results!

Emotional Intelligence – recent thoughts

Posted by: Kate Atkin In: Positive Pyschology 0 comments Tags: confidence, emotional intelligence, feelings

I have just come across a very interesting blog on Emotional Intelligence, and how it has progressed over the years since Daniel Goleman wrote his book in 1995 “Emotional Intelligence: why it can matter more than IQ”. The blog is a very interesting read and rather than replicate the whole of it here, I’m providing the link:

https://intentionalworkplace.com/2013/06/13/emotional-intelligence-20-years-on/?goback=%2Enmp_*1_*1_*1_*1_*1_*1_*1_*1_*1_*1

There’s a great difference in being emotionally self-aware and able to read emotions in others. Some people I find are good at both, while others are good at one or other. How confident are you in assessing your own and others’ feelings?

To hone your own emotional intelligence I suggest you try looking at these two things in isolation:

First, find a list of feelings (there’s a good list here by Byron Katie). Then start to notice your own emotions, pause a review the list a few times a day to increase your own feelings vocabulary. Once you have done that for a week notice whether you can register and name your emotions more quickly.

Next, focus on other people. How might they be feeling in certain situations? Look at their body language, the subtle facial expressions and listen to their tone of voice to help you draw your conclusions. Remember, this isn’t about how you are feeling. Aim to adapt your responses to how you think the other person is feeling, and if appropriate ask them. Continue to do this for a week and then assess whether you can gauge an emotion from others with greater accuracy than before.